• 50 Shades of Yay!

  • Nothing will clue you into how lame a project is faster than crew jumping a sinking ship like rats.  Recently, the director, Sam Taylor-Johnson, announced her departure from the 50 Shades franchise.  The screenwriter, who could only improve upon E.L. James’ ponderous, often torturous writing, Kelly Marcel, has abandoned ship. Not only is James a poor writer, but apparently she clashed with the director several times on set, and is reportedly difficult to work with.

    But, here’s where this gets hilarious – E.L. James has thrown her hat into the ring to adapt it herself.  Not only would moviegoers have to sit through a nightmare scenario, but would now bear witness to a poorly-written, trite, tired, pedestrian, banal, and any other descriptions that the Thesaurus can produce.

    Here is a list of 20 things that I plan to do (or did) instead of watching any of the 50 Shades movies:

    1. Give myself a tattoo.
    2. Let my 17-year old give me a tattoo.
    3. Give myself a Brazilian.
    4. Let my youngest niece give me a complete makeover (she’s 6).
    5. Cover myself with honey near a den of bears.
    6. Watch endless hours of FoxNews, especially “The Five”.
    7. Wear something in public that I sewed.
    8. Make out with a porcupine.
    9. Take alligator wrestling lessons.
    10. Let Ronda Rousey use me to practice for the UFC.
    11. Become an assistant to a knife thrower in the circus.
    12. Campaign for Ted Cruz.
    13. Play dodgeball with the Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball Team.
    14. Play dodgeball with a kindergarten class, while in a straightjacket.
    15. Sit through a Pink Floyd, The Who, Kiss or Yes concert.
    16. Donate my body for medical research, before my death.
    17. Be a test case for “animal” testing for drug or makeup companies.
    18. Volunteer to help 1st year beauty school students get their hours in.
    19. Volunteer to help out at kids’ birthday parties.
    20. Sit through a movie in childbirth class. On repeat.

    Written by: Allyson Johns



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