• 9 Things Nobody Tells You About Being Pregnant

    Here’s what you need to know that none of those sweet “love being pregnant” ladies will tell you. 

    People molest you

    I wanted a shirt that said KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME! Not something cute where they think it’s okay to still touch me. I bit my tongue when it was the cute little old ladies at church. I tried really hard when my husband’s aunt said “Rubbing the belly is a way of blessing the baby.” I threw my bonus card at the grocery store cashier who reached across the register to pat my stomach. I ranted at my husband for a solid hour when, after being warned, his uncle reached behind my carefully placed bag of veggie chips to put his hand on my stomach.  

    When you’re pregnant, for some unknown reason, people think it is acceptable to put their hands on your body. It’s not okay. They don’t care. If you say something, guess what, you’re “hormonal.”

    “Morning” sickness

    Worst misnomer in the history of the world! Morning sickness doesn’t just occur in the morning. It can last all day long. Usually, it goes away around 12 weeks, but if you’re lucky (like me) you have Hyperemesis (HG) which is like round the clock morning sickness x10.  Morning sickness isn’t like when you have a stomach bug. You don’t feel better after you throw up, the nausea doesn’t go away. It’s pretty awful.

    Wetting your pants

    No one told me this would happen. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. You lose all control of your bladder. I started wearing a pad everywhere I went. There was no warning, no opportunity to waddle to the bathroom… just pee everywhere and me dealing with the consequences with a red face. 

    The gas

    My midwife recommended squats. Squats make for a speedy labor and a strong pelvic floor. Here’s the thing: you can’t do squats by yourself when you are a 200lb 8 months pregnant woman.  You have to get your husband to help support you while you try to squat. Guess what happens when you finally get down into that position with the support of your husband? You pass gas. Then your husband gets disgusted. You turn red and dissolve into a fit of giggles on the floor.

    Then you pee yourself again.

    Kicks in the ribs

    Those sweet little kicks from the inside are one of the few truly awesome things about being pregnant. They make up for a lot. You really will miss that feeling when it’s over. But you won’t miss the sore ribs.  You won’t miss those little feet digging into your ribs just under your breasts. You won’t miss the feeling that you can’t take a deep breath. Did you know those little angels can actually bruise your ribs from the inside? Bruised ribs are lots of fun.

    Losing your identity

    When you’re pregnant, everything changes. Your body changes as it grows another human, your priorities change as you prepare for motherhood and your house changes as you make room for baby. Friendships change as you grow away from friends who don’t have children.  All that sudden change can leave you feeling like a different person. Sometimes, that’s enough to send you into a hormone induced crying fit. It’s easy to feel like you’re not yourself when you’re pregnant. Why does nobody warn expectant moms about that?

    Swelling

    Remember in the Willy Wonka movie when the girl turns into a giant blueberry? That’s the way I felt when I was pregnant.  They have some fancy name for the swelling that happens during pregnancy.  The name doesn’t matter, what matters is that you won’t be able to wear your wedding ring or your shoes. Of all the things I had to give up when I found out I was pregnant, giving up my shoes hurt the most. I still can’t fit into my pink polka dot heels.

    That’s right. I STILL can’t. Did you know that your feet don’t always go back to the size they were before? I’m a whole size bigger! I cried when I donated all those pretty shoes to charity after my son’s first birthday.

    The stupid tattoo

    Apparently, when you become pregnant, you get an invisible tattoo that everyone can see except for you. It’s a giant tattoo on your forehead that reads “STUPID.” At least it seems that way a lot of the time.

    Between the unsolicited advice and the way doctors and nurses sometimes talk to you… you’ll start to realize you’ve got the tattoo.

    Narcolepsy/Insomnia

    In the beginning, you’ll swear you’ve got narcolepsy. You won’t be able to stay awake for more than a few hours. I once fell asleep on the couch in the middle of a conversation with my husband. 

    By the end of pregnancy, you’ll be wishing for those early sleep-filled days. In the end, you won’t be getting any sleep. Three things will keep you awake: anxiety, having to pee so much, and being completely uncomfortable in every single position you can possibly come up with!

    Is there anything I forgot? Please help me keep future moms in-the-know by adding to the list in the comments.

    Written by: Sara Parise



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