What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman

1. Were you planning this?

My husband and I got asked this both times I’ve been pregnant. For the record, this is never appropriate to ask. It doesn’t matter whether we conceived our bundle of joy as part of a planned regiment of ovulation tests and calendar watching or on a date night whim. This baby is a blessing and we’re thrilled. I don’t’ want to discuss our reproductive choices with you. Don’t ask.

2. You look like you’re about to pop!

I’m not really sure what makes people think this little phrase is cute. No pregnant woman wants to hear this. Exactly what are you trying to say? I know that I look like a beached whale. I either have yet to reach my due date and will view this as a sign that I’ve gained too much weight… or I am past my due date and don’t want any reminders that I still haven’t gone into labor.  

3. That’s bad for the baby!

When I was pregnant with my first, people said this to me all the time. Just before eating a sandwich, “Did you warm up the lunch meat because if not it’s bad for the baby?” As I enjoy my fourth Oreo, “I read that Oreos are bad for you when you’re pregnant.” While enjoying a glass of iced tea, “Is that caffeine free? Because…”

Just stop. I’m already terrified of everything because of all the articles I’ve been reading on the internet. I can’t subsist on water and air. Please just stop. You’re not being helpful at all.

4. It’s just your hormones.

It is not my hormones! Even if it is my hormones, you shouldn’t say that. Blaming my hormones for my totally normal reaction to your lack of social graces is just ridiculous. Why can’t people just say congratulations and move on?

5. Are you sure you’re not having twins?

Again, I know I’m getting fat. I know I look bigger at 10 weeks this time than I did with my first baby. Believe it or not, that’s actually quite normal. Stop asking me if it’s twins. Believe me, there’s only one baby in there. Just one baby and fat me. Thanks.

6. Can I touch your belly?

No. I have to admit, asking this awful question is preferable to the complete strangers and weird third cousins by marriage that just walk up and touch my stomach like it’s the Buddha belly at the Chinese restaurant. I’m not Buddha. It’s not good luck for me or the baby. You’re not touching the baby, you’re touching my stomach. Keep your hands to yourself and stop molesting me.

7. Hopefully it’s …

A healthy baby. Is that the phrase you were searching for? Because it’s sort of annoying and rude for you to say “a girl” or “a boy” as if one gender is somehow better than the other. Hopefully, it’s a healthy baby. That’s all you should be hoping for and that’s all we are hoping for.

8. Get all the sleep you can get now. You’ll never sleep after the baby gets here.

I don’t know why people say this all the time. Somehow sleeping like a hibernating bear for nine months is going to prepare me for years of getting up in the middle of the night with babies and toddlers? I don’t think it works that way. As far as after the baby gets here, I’m certain that I will not get as much uninterrupted sleep as I did before I had kids, but I will sleep. If parents NEVER slept, we’d all be dead. It’s scientifically impossible.

9. How much weight have you gained?

Why in the world would you ask me that? You wouldn’t ask me that if I weren’t pregnant. Why does it suddenly become acceptable to ask me these sorts of things when I am? It’s just not okay. It’s none of your business how much weight I’ve gained. Unless you’re my doctor, you don’t need to know. I don’t even share that information with my husband!

10. It’s all in your head.

I hear this especially in response to morning sickness. Trust me; it’s not all in my head. I wish with all of my being that was true, but it just isn’t. Morning sickness is caused by those lovely hormones you blame for my bad mood, not a psychological disorder I suddenly developed when the pregnancy test read positive. 

What sorts of annoying things did people say to you when you were expecting? How did you respond?

Written by: Sara Parise