50 Shades of Yay!

Nothing will clue you into how lame a project is faster than crew jumping a sinking ship like rats.  Recently, the director, Sam Taylor-Johnson, announced her departure from the 50 Shades franchise.  The screenwriter, who could only improve upon E.L. James’ ponderous, often torturous writing, Kelly Marcel, has abandoned ship. Not only is James a poor writer, but apparently she clashed with the director several times on set, and is reportedly difficult to work with.

But, here’s where this gets hilarious – E.L. James has thrown her hat into the ring to adapt it herself.  Not only would moviegoers have to sit through a nightmare scenario, but would now bear witness to a poorly-written, trite, tired, pedestrian, banal, and any other descriptions that the Thesaurus can produce.

Here is a list of 20 things that I plan to do (or did) instead of watching any of the 50 Shades movies:

1. Give myself a tattoo.
2. Let my 17-year old give me a tattoo.
3. Give myself a Brazilian.
4. Let my youngest niece give me a complete makeover (she’s 6).
5. Cover myself with honey near a den of bears.
6. Watch endless hours of FoxNews, especially “The Five”.
7. Wear something in public that I sewed.
8. Make out with a porcupine.
9. Take alligator wrestling lessons.
10. Let Ronda Rousey use me to practice for the UFC.
11. Become an assistant to a knife thrower in the circus.
12. Campaign for Ted Cruz.
13. Play dodgeball with the Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball Team.
14. Play dodgeball with a kindergarten class, while in a straightjacket.
15. Sit through a Pink Floyd, The Who, Kiss or Yes concert.
16. Donate my body for medical research, before my death.
17. Be a test case for “animal” testing for drug or makeup companies.
18. Volunteer to help 1^st year beauty school students get their hours in.
19. Volunteer to help out at kids’ birthday parties.
20. Sit through a movie in childbirth class. On repeat.

Written by: Allyson Johns